Alissa's blog
I was listening to a webinar last night with Elisha Trees called "7 Ways to Dance Through Your Day". One of the ways that she suggested to incorporate dance into your life was to pick 3 songs and dance to them EACH day. Make a playlist. I loved this idea, which has been something that I do occasionally, without the intention or structure of making a set playlist. So this morning, I chose my 3 songs. I informed my 4 year old daughter of my plan and she of course LOVED it and joined in. I love to be able to listen to music and dance with my daughters. It is so joyful and healing to me. It is one of the best ways that I feel I am influencing them, by showing them the joy of song and dance. I had a fucking BLAST!!!! I used my nice stereo that has a great sounding sub woofer in the kitchen, and DANCED and SUNG my ass off! It was so fun and exhilarating. My daughter is always singing and dancing, and she makes up her own music most of the time, and of course, all original dance moves! Lol.
I chose Tove Lo's "Over", Sia's "Chandelier" and lastly Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci". Because I know these songs so well, I was able to just belt out/or rap the lyrics too. I realized that I really have Kreayshawn's song down, I can keep up with her! Music is like my favorite drug!!! If you have never heard of one or all of these songs, I encourage you to listen. They are all by female artists and the first two are very intense. The third is a really fun song. And the last two make me feel empowered as all hell. My favorite line from Sia's "Chandelier" is "I'm going to swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier, I'm going to live like tomorrow doesn't exist, doesn't exist!" and my favorite line from Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci" is "I've got the swag and it's pumpin' out my ovaries...". I listen to music all of the time. If I go a day or two without listening to music, I feel really off. I need music, it's a way for me to process emotions and relate to the world. It is the most important and special thing in my life, besides my children. It has always been this way for me. Dancing came into my life when I was about 13 or 14. I attended a few ballet/interpretative dance performances using lots of contemporary music, including Radiohead, which just melted my heart. Witnessing these beautiful souls move their bodies so incredibly to "Everything in it's Right Place" was a defining moment in my life. The costumes, the movement, the music. The self-expression was SO intense and dramatic and raw. I related so much to this type of creative expression. I love being able to move my body to music, there's nothing like it. It combines two of the most natural elements of life in a way that feels so right! I am loving how I feel during and after dancing to a playlist. Wanna try it too and tell me what you experience?? ;)
0 Comments
This the end for me. End of an era. The end of hiding, stifling. The end of my marriage. The end of my living situation. The end of my passivity, my loneliness. So many endings.
Although some of these endings began about a year ago, or more, they're coming to a painful culmination now. My ex hired an attorney to represent himself in our divorce. Just found this out yesterday. One of my first thoughts was, "You have enough money to hire an attorney, yet not enough money to pay a decent amount of child support?". It was kind of like the last straw for me. I didn't think that I could handle another blow to the gut. I thought I tapped out awhile ago. I am also in the middle of looking for a place to live and work, filling my days with shuffling the kids around, attending interviews that make me feel so fake I would rather be slamming my head into a brick wall. Touring potential places to inhabit , that, with my meager budget, have been at best mildy tolerable, and at worst, appalling. I knew that I was truly unhappy in my life before the divorce. Now, there's a tiny part of me that thinks, well, SHIT, at least I wasn't having to be in survival mode constantly! But I KNOW that it will work out, that I will find a place to live that is perfect for me and my two young daughters. That I WILL find the right work that will bring me enough money to get by for now. That is what keeps me going at this point. Knowing it will change. Nothing stays the same. I am putting out so much energy in my efforts to change and grow, that I know that the universe will meet me somewhere to help. But right now, today, I do feel pretty defeated. I really despise going back to an hourly job. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't EVER do that again....and here I am, doing EXACTLY that. I have a good fucking reason-my children! I need to provide for them, and feel backed into a corner in a sense. I resent my ex for not helping enough. I don't want to but that's where I am right now. I resent and am so hurt and actually FURIOUS that he lawyered up. He waited until the LAST day that he had to respond to my divorce petition, and then hired a lawyer and filed his response. It makes me feel scared, powerless and threatened. I don't let myself stay in those feelings for long, but they keep creeping up on me.....I have thoughts occasionally like, "What kind of mother am I? I can't even find a place to live or work for that matter...." But I do really, truly, know that I am a DAMN GOOD mother. I have sacrificed my career, my education, and years of my life to stay at home with my girls, and so my husband (ex) could further HIS education, HIS career. And now, here I am with AMAZING children, but no career. No formal education (except my Cosmetology License), that is something....I hate working in salons. It feels "shackles ON", as Martha Beck says, one of my favorite human beings and authors on the planet. Shackles ON or shackles OFF is a way to ask yourself how you feel about a particular issue/thing/etc, by getting still and listening to your BODY when you ask the question "How do I feel about ______?" Then notice the sensations in your body, and the location(s) of those. Where there is constricting feelings, it's SHACKLES ON . If there is a feeling of free-ness, lightness, relaxing, openness , that is SHACKLES OFF BABY!!! I hate living in shackles. I'm at the end of most of the major ones I hope. Marriage - shackles on, shitty hourly job - shackles on, divorcing without having legal representation while my ex can afford to- shackles on. I know that I am a work in progress. I just want so much to be an example to my girls by LIVING in alignment with my truest desires and dreams. It feels so overwhelming now. I go back to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs that states you need to have your BASIC needs met - ie. food, shelter, water, sleep, BEFORE you can be focusing on any of the higher needs that want to be met. I feel like I am always stuck at the basic level, and trying to fight my way through survival needs while still making time for my personal dreams and goals. I want the struggle to end. THAT will be another END I am looking forward to! This is pretty much my first blog post EVER so please forgive any misspelling, errors etc. OR don't , I don't really give a fuck. My deepest desire is that I will reach women that can relate and we can help lift each other UP.
OK , so I've been feeling called to dance for a looooong time. I've always loved hip hop dance and cardio kickboxing. One of my dreams is to fuse them into a type of empowering dance that I can teach other women , with songs selected by me that are totally NOT mainstream. I'm talking some dirty dubstep and explicit rap at times. ...and recently I've been pulled towards expressing myself through belly dance and pole dancing. I cannot wait to explore this journey further. ..I am reclaiming my sexuality and sensuality , it's been a long road. I was sexually abused as a child. The world didn't make sense in some ways after that ...I'm so thankful to be doing deep forgiveness work right now...this video shows women like ME reclaiming their divine feminine nature. I cried tears of joy and pride to see these women heal and express themselves through movement, right before my eyes.
|
Alissa EvansMother, creative, ArchivesCategories |